I'm not the only one

Something I took away from this class was a Classmate's fear assignment presentation. She drew a picture using pen that was really astounding and said exactly how I felt. It was a picture of a person with a black hole coming in the middle. She described it so well that I was captivated. It was the feeling I get when I have to present to a large group or am put on the spot. I don't know why It happens either. I spend so much time trying to get rid of the feeling beforehand, but I can't stop it from randomly returning. I have her in my video class and she sat two computers over. I remember in the beginning of the semester, I was put in a group with her and some other and went to shoot outside b-roll for a video class. She barely said much, but she had this aura of friendliness when she did, she she didn't she seemed really introverted, which was kind of like holding up a mirror to myself. I know exactly how she felt. I have this weird introvertism that only goes away when I talk to people mostly one on one, but when it's more people, I just loose my shit and word vomit. I don't know if I will ever overcome it, but I'm doing my best to get put in situations where I have to. I hope she can too because I see a lot of potential in that girl. I'm just glad I'm not the only one that feels this way.

The inevitable

For this assignment, we had to choose something that makes us fearful, and classify it as either a fear, phobia, anxiety, or worry. After thinking long and hard, I came up with death. It is the inevitable that no one really thinks about but is always there and can happen to anyone at any time. I decided to classify my fear as a worry because i have taken mental attempts to avoid any anticipating threat, and its weird that I am starting to realize that i have been doing it inconspicuously for a while now. It is not a phobia because i do not go to extremes to avoid it, because most of the time, you cannot see it. It is not an anxiety because whenever I think about death, i am not accompanied by nervous behavior. It is not a fear because fear is caused by living entities, and my life hasn't ever really been threatened by someone or something living.

I never really knew how much Death surrounds me every day. If you really pay attention, you can start to scare yourself. Most of the time when I get up to go to school, I'm the only one in the house. I usually shower every day, and sometimes, the shower floor is really slippery, If i don't take precautions, i could slip and something unfortunate could happen, hit my head on the corner on the way down, fall the wrong way, anything. The Drive to school is the worst because apparently, any idiot can get a license nowadays. i can't count how many times some asshole has almost gotten into an accident with me because their dumb ass doesn't know how to use a turn signal. Since I drive for my job, I always take the extra precautions to make sure I am at least being the safe one. I always drive by Crown Hill Cemetery on my way to school, which means I am passing thousands of bodies which death has claimed, and he claims more each day that passes.

The fear of death keeps me from experiencing some really exiting moments in life. I used to not really care about living when I was younger and would do alot of destructive stuff to my body. Im pretty sure taking all those "triple c's" in high school is what caused me to have a weird speech problem. I remember taking them almost everyday during my sophomore year , and that is fucking crazy considering this one person took them only once and died because every body is different, so how was I not worried that the first time it took them would probably be my last? I also used to drink and drive alot, some times, I would just wake up in bed the next day and not even remember driving home, which is scary, considering my drunk ass could have injured not only myself but others during those periods of binge drinking. Nowadays, I have thought about it more and am more cautious about doing all of that. I no longer take drugs because I don't even know what will happen to me or how much more my body can take. I sometimes won't even leave the house to enjoy social gatherings because I don't want to drink and drive even if it is just a little bit. I guess you could say, the worry death keeps me from experiencing life.

The worry of death is useful in my life. It has kept me alive and has changed my life. After getting into an accident while intoxicated, I have not been the same. It feels like a part of my brain has woken up and has taken over trying to keep me safe. I no longer get blackout drunk anymore, no matter how drunk I get, a little part of my brain is always conscious of what is going on around me and will not let me black out no more. I have also changed my lifestyle completely. I used to not have anything worth living for, or so I thought. Now that I am getting my life together, I have so much to live for, that I can't just let it end. I have overcome so many deadly obstacles that life has thrown at me and I have managed to survive all of them, If death has a plan for us all, then he wants me alive until the time is right for him to come and reap my soul.

Death has really affected my creativity. After experiencing close encounters to it, my mind has really opened up to thinking about the afterlife and what is to come after the end. It helps me be more creative and to think way outside the box because you never know who else could be thinking of these ideas. If you are the only one who is thinking of a certain idea then you die, that idea dies with you, for no one else to know. I feel like since I came close to death, my mind has changed in the way I think. I feel like I am not a normal person, which I am happy with because I don't think many people would ever be able to think of all the thoughts i have thought in my lifetime, which has changed me and the way I view the world. I would love to be a videographer who is known to be brave because of the lengths he will go to obtain rare footage that most wouldn't even dare to obtain. In risky places or situations, death can motivate me to be alert and on my feet.

Death takes form for me as corpses. When you die, you leave behind a shell of yourself. It is really weird to see someone who you used to know become lifeless and not moving. You say goodbye to them and then they get buried in a hole in the ground. They remain there until they begin to rot, that is when decomposition takes place. It is so frighting to imagine how someone rots in the ground, maggots eating their flesh and leaving behind a pile of bones.We don't get to see many people decomposing because we bury them, but just seeing anything decomposing is freaking scary.

Fear of Death from Osvaldo Ayala on Vimeo.

After doing this project, I feel like I can use death as a motivation. Since this lifetime could be taken away in an instant, then why not do whatever you can to enjoy it? You only get one life and spending it afraid to do anything because you are afraid of death is no way to live. I wanna take some risk, I wanna have fun, I want to enjoy my life because if what follows is eternal darkness, then I hope I still have the memories to relive. Once we die, we rot and go into the ground, but we go back into the earth to make way for new life. I want to enjoy my life up here doing what I love, and knowing that it can all be taken away so suddenly is motivation enough to live for today.

Procrasti-Nation: Another day

I would love to say that I have been procrastinating on my fear project, but I have been having technical difficulties with this stupid computer at school. After spending hours on a video assignment, I was almost done, but a critical error wouldn't allow me to continue working on my assignment when I got back from lunch with a friend. I was gonna export the video and work on my fear assignment while I waited, but what should have taken 2 hours ended up taking 6, and I had to go hunt down an IT guy myself and even then I was only able to recover my project with some scenes missing. After being at school all day, I wasn't even able to turn it in the  same day. I was so frustrated I almost gave up , but a phone call to my friend allowed me to hang in there. I plan on working on my fear assignment today once I get homework that is due tomorrow.  I gotta say the fears I have been thinking about are deeper than I had anticipated. Hopefully I still have time to do a nice project to share with my class on Monday.

Altered Book Progress: I am sad to say I haven't really done much to my altered book. The only thing i have done is wrapped the outside binding in video tape from a past project and cutting out some circles through the pages so I can fit the video reels inside there. After doing that which has taken longer than expected, i am going to tape some pages together and form sections to insert content from class, each page with a part of each assignment we had. At the back I plan on putting either a broken mirror in pieces or broken CD and a reflection page. That is all I have in mind so far, Hope I get it done in time!!!!!

Small Minds Afraid To Think

We didn't get to do a lot in class on Monday because our teacher was sick and wanted us not to catch whatever she had. We went around the room and each said something about our "Who are you and Why are you here" project. Some people had some difficulty doing the project and I heard a lot of good philosophical answers as well, mine being a weird story about where I am in life. If you read my previous blog, you will know. I didn't actually get to say it in class because I think it was way to personal to tell to these people, well most of them. I love my teacher because she is a free spirit, and has told me wisdom that I haven't heard from any other professor I have ever met. I wish I could talk more classes with her, I'm going to miss her when she leaves, but she has given me wisdom and things to think about for life. I am kind of pissed off that some people, mainly a few specific guys, don't really take this class seriously. Its not supposed to be serious, but it feels like they aren't even trying. This one idiot after we went around was trying to be funny as he always is, and said that its stupid to think about who you are right now and why we are here because its to vast to ponder. Well unlike his dumb ass, some people have wondered. Just because he is to afraid to really delve deep inside his own tiny mind he thinks he can make us feel dumb for trying to ponder some of life's biggest questions? I love to think about that personally because it gives me time to examine myself and see if I am on the right path to who I want to be. I really wanted to punch him in the face, I don't know why, but its idiots like him that get my blood pumping. Either way, I will have forgotten that by next class (hopefully). That is what I took away on that day.

What is my purpose in Life?

For this assignment, we had someone in class draw us without looking at their paper and without them lifting their pencil. After that, we traded the drawings of each other and had to write based on that drawing "who are you and what are you doing here? My drawing was horrible, the girl who drew me drew a way better picture. At least my head was the right shape, she also drew some hair on me and my ears with my gauges. Then she drew what appear to be teeth. After reflecting on my drawing, I started to think, Is that how people perceive me? They just notice my altered facial features, which include pierced lips and 5/8th plugs in my ears along with my signature hair style which used to be amazing but is now looking like my hair caught on fire and it burned for a while before I could put it out. I don't really mind that, I always get up earlier than i need to so I can shower and get ready for the day. I always try to look my best because you never know who you will meet. Unfortunately, I am really introverted and have trouble speaking to people sometime, even though sometime I want to, I just can't. I really don't like that about myself. To answer the first part of the question of "Who are you", I am Osvaldo Ayala. I am an abnormal human being with social skills issues that I'm desperately trying to overcome. I have weird though process and word formation because (I'm assuming) I used to do these drugs in the past that were over the counter. I knew that they were harming my body, I just didnt really know what they would end up doing to me as I grew older. They have not affected the way I think. I have always had abstract and weird thoughts since I can remember, but now trying to explain them out loud with words is a big struggle. But I hope to one day make things that speak for themselves so you won't have to hear me struggle to explain them.

As for "Why Am I here?" Well i don't really know how to tackle this one, but I'm just going to write my thoughts. I know I am here in college to get a degree, most every profession that is out there requires you to have some proof that you have been in college. I didn't really plan on going to college but after living life after high school for a couple of years and seeing as I was doing nothing with my life, I decided to go to school so I could get a piece of paper so I could show others that I was doing something with my life. I still have about maybe 2 years max to go, but If I wasn't In school, I don't know where I would be right now. Now for the bigger picture. Why am I here in Life? I don't know if we were supposed to think this big, but its the first thought that came to me when the teacher asked the question. I feel that we all have a purpose in life. At some point in time in your life, you existence will affect someone or something in a big way, which is why you are kept alive until a certain point. I don't know who made the rules of fate, but I feel like something has kept me alive for some reason. When I was little, I went face first into a deep sink, I wold have never grown to write this had one of my aunts been there to rescue me, and the weird part is that she had something wrong with her hands and she still managed to save me. Throughout my teenage years, I did so many things to myself through the abuse of pills and alcohol. I didn't really care back then because I was just "living in the moment". That moment almost didn't last because one day, a couple of people I thought were my friends got me super drunk and then allowed me to drive home. Had it not been for my best friend since freshman year Nina Brown who randomly showed up and struggled to deal with my drunk ass, i probably wouldn't of survived that Car crash I got into. My car slid off the road and flew over a fence somehow and smashed into a tree. She called her mom at 3am and they both struggled for hours in the snow to help get me home safe. Had It not been for her, I would still probably be dealing with the repercussions of a DUI or be in Jail or worse, I could have wandered thorughout the night and passed out and Frozen. Even after falling in the snow and landing on my back on a sharp tree stump that dislocated a disc on my lower back, I managed to make it through my high school graduation, even though i was pumped full of drugs to get me through the excruciating pain that i was feeling that day. My parents aren't that wealthy, but they used a large amount of their money to allow me to get a surgery to fix that, If it weren't for them, I probably wouldn't have my left leg. After these and many other incidents, I have managed to make it through all of them and am now on a better path than i was earlier in life. To answer the question "why am I here"? I don't know, but then again, I don't think anyone does. Everyone was put on this earth for a reason, You spend your life trying to find out what that reason is, I guess all you can really do is enjoy the ride and hope that you are on the right path that will lead you to that spot in life where you were meant to be. I'm still on that path, It's a bumpy one, but I just know its the right one.

off the map

I struggle to write this today because no less than 12 hours ago, my car got broken into and my school bag was stolen, which had my laptop and other school supplies. That laptop had everything i needed for school, and just like that it's gone, right as the school semester end nears, i have just lost everything i had worked on and had been working  on. The flash drives that cost me nearly $250 are gone, along with my $1000 Mac book Pro. Its my fault for leaving my book bag in such plain sight for any thief to steal. Now I'm just left in a state of disbelief. Just as I was getting my school stuff together, this happens. I'm not sure how I am going to make it through the rest of the semester without all my stuff, but it will be a struggle and I won't go down without giving it my all. After all of this, i realized that most of what was my identity and who I am was on that laptop. Memories of places I had traveled and people I have seen were on there, All my video projects and videos were on there, everything that was me was on there, and just like that, its gone. I no longer have a library of photos to look at to reminisce about the past, I no longer have a library of video projects that I can work on. I basically have nothing. I just hate how you put so much of yourself into something and just like that it can be taken away. Its gone now, off the map. Its been only a few hours but I feel so empty without it, how could I let this happen? I guess its time to start a new chapter in my life and get another laptop to put my identity in. I just hope mine comes up sometime in the near future, until then, time to start allllllllllll over again.....